Why can’t I share?

One thing I have learnt during this pandemic is that the older I am getting the harder it is for me to share my emotions.

This has been an odd realisation for me to come to terms with as I have always prided myself on being an open book. When I was a young angsty teenager I used to daily blog on something called ‘Dailybooth’ most people won’t have a clue what that is as it no longer exists but I would post a picture of me posing in some arty, emo way and write about everything in my personal life for the world to read, mostly all about my love and heartbreaks. Not saying that it‘s not a good thing I don’t do that anymore, (although still posing, eek) as I am saving us all from a lot of cringe worthy moments there…

But right now, trying to write this I find myself holding back. Nothing is really flowing, and I feel a bit… Embarrassed?

I have attempted to write this over the past week and gone from writing a few sentences, deleting and then closing my laptop feeling silly, a lack of confidence. I am not sure what has changed or when it changed? Perhaps because I used to be a keen writer and it has been a good few years now that I have attempted to write anything, or even dared share it.

Although, today something has shifted, today I have decided to get over myself and try give this a good go… So bear with me.

How do I feel?

The truth… a bit empty. Flat.

I can’t stand the news anymore, can’t bear hearing about the dreaded Coronavirus. Stuck between wanting to bake, work out, video call my friends and family and just shutting myself away from the world wrapped up in a duvet and comfort watching (whilst comfort eating) Gilmore Girls and Greys Anatomy.  If anything, like many others, I feel my emotions are all over the place!

I was just feeling on top of my life. I was really happy with my health and fitness routine and feeling stronger than ever, enjoying my job, my amazing theatre company were rehearsing to put on a play in May and had been accepted to Edinburgh Fringe this year. I feel like someone has pulled the rug from under me and we have all lost our usual lives that we took for granted.  Nobody could have predicted this.  

Don’t get me wrong, I am in an incredibly lucky situation. I am still able to work from home, I am staying with my boyfriend and his parents, so I am still surrounded by people I love and if anything, feel guilty at times for not feeling positive constantly. Whilst our wonderful, selfless NHS and key workers are out there putting themselves at risk to take care of us all and I am sat here feeling sorry for myself because I couldn’t resist that piece of cake and have no desire to work out and feel anxious and restless from lack of routine.

Guilty. That’s how I feel. Guilty for even feeling the way I do and fearful it comes across as selfish because I know people have it a lot worse than me. Guilty I’m not doing enough to help. Guilty I’m not being being productive enough. Guilty I’m not being healthy enough.

I know it is okay to feel this way and it’s just because we are not used to having our freedom taken away from us and for me personally it’s the not knowing when will this end, when I will get to see my family again who I miss dearly. At least we are all going to come out of this grateful for the little things in life and hug our loved ones that extra bit tighter.

From today, I am going to listen to my emotions a little bit more and not try and conceal them, I will ride the wave and enjoy my daily workouts but not punish myself if I do have a glass of wine later.

I have bought a new diary which arrives tomorrow and I will start writing down my thoughts and feelings and learn from my teen self. Even writing this now, I can feel my creativity starting to flow and I am instantly feeling happier from being honest with you… or well actually, with myself.

Perhaps that’s been the problem all along and that’s why I’ve struggled to write? I’ve not been honest enough with myself.

To leave on a positive note, the photo below is of some pebbles that my lovely grandparents are decorating and going out for walks at night (when its quieter/safer) and leaving them on their neighbours’ doorsteps! They are keeping it quiet so their neighbours don’t know it is them. Apparently it’s causing quite a stir and one of the neighbours even rang up Merseyside Radio and was raving about it, which my Gran and Pop found hilarious!

So, let’s all keep appreciating the little things, keep talking and being honest with ourselves and most importantly keep applauding our heroic NHS for going out and fighting for us all.

If I can do my tiny part by staying in and eating cake, then well, pass us a slice!