“One for Sorrow Two for mirth Three for a funeral Four for a birth Five for heaven Six for hell Seven for the devil his own self Eight for a wish Nine for a kiss Ten for a bird you must not miss Eleven is worse Twelve for a Dastardly Curse” "One for Sorrow, Two for Joy Three for Girl Four for Boy, Five for silver Six for gold Seven for a secret,
never to be told..."
The days are fleeting, and as I watch my friends (when I say friends, I’m using the term very loosely, simply to refer to the 1000 odd people I follow on instagram) be super proactive, I feel myself fall further and further into a slump of uncertainty and sorrow.
Time passes and I don’t know how to effectively use my time. It’s ok to lie in bed. The pressure is off. I’m no longer wasting the day, because there is no day to be wasted – just a vast expansion of time which circulates from light to dark.
I don’t think time has a meaning anymore. It allows me to think it’s correct that the sun should be shining at this point, or that I can be comforted by the fact that it is pitch black outside. But it also means I have no concept of when I should wake or when I should sleep, or what day it is and whether that even matters anymore.
Today, I feel sad.
And that’s very strange. Someone has given me the greatest gift – they’ve relieved any sort of pressure I feel from the outside world, the stress of social contact and having to work, having to make money (current financial pressures aside), having to be organized and proactive – it’s all gone. I’m free, to an extent.
But, I see the Magpie outside my window, and the rhyme comes back to me “One for sorrow, two for mirth…” so I wave and I say “Hello Mr Magpie, how’s your wife and family?” – he doesn't respond; maybe he’s too concerned about financially providing for his family, or he’s desperately seeking his second to spread joy.
It’s odd how things can turn so quickly. Yesterday, on my one hour out of the house (by myself, down the side roads as I passed the parks where it’s pretty and no one else is around), I felt joy; I was bathed in sunlight and everything felt at ease. I could feel the sun shining on me, and this, this is the honest truth – I had two magpies walking me down the road; they were on either side, happily skipping along and it put a spring in my step.
Today, I want to curl up in a ball. Every bit of me wants to face time a friend and have a chat, and every bit of me recoils at the idea of having to interact with anyone.
It also dawned on me to think about the fears and feelings we aren’t addressing – for myself, and A LOT of others, our position and ‘success’ in this industry is assessed by achievements. But much MUCH worse than that, our failures are ticked off; and this grueling time is forcing a lot of us to fall into those categories of pre-determined ‘failure’ which have no grounding outside of this pandemic, let alone within it.
You haven’t worked in ‘X’ amount of time – FAIL
You haven’t been to class in ‘X’ amount of time – FAIL
You haven’t sang through your rep – FAIL
You moved back to your family home – FAIL
You got a job outside of the arts – FAIL
That acting job you did have was pulled – FAIL
No auditions - FAIL
It’s one thing that this pressure is put on us by ourselves, but so damaging to feel or believe that others also hold these markings as a way of judging your life.
These examples aren’t failures. They are events, they are circumstances, and they are no bigger a fail in this unprecedented time than they are when the world is functioning normally.
It’s Stigma, it’s fear, it’s judgment, it’s a rotting disease of disillusionment.
That 'SUCCESS' is often judged on what is posted on social media – a controlled exposure.
Feelings come, and feelings pass. I’ve been reading about this Grief and the side affect of trauma that we will all experience during this pandemic. The tiredness, the unknowing; my incessant need to nap, and apparently drink wine.
Reach out to people I haven’t spoken to for years and spend hours chatting – all of a sudden we have everything in common and a simple hello can turn into this lengthy analysis of life, conspiracy theories, why we tick and who we are at the core of our beings.
That’s great stuff.
Magpies are elegant. They move with beauty and when you catch those streaks of blue and white in the right light, there’s nothing quite like seeing that colour reflect so beautifully in nature. So maybe one magpie isn’t for sorrow – maybe it’s just a reminder that beauty exists everywhere and you just have to find it. The ill omen that accompanies that bird; a stigma they have never been able to shift. Maybe it’s time we address the stigmas in our lives, because they never really meant anything anyway – just fear and pressure and unnecessary stress. So today, I won’t get out of my bed. I haven’t failed. And Mr Magpie – you didn’t cause this Sorrow. But one thing is for certain, the feeling will pass. Another day will come and I will embrace what that day brings.
